A Cold and Quiet Place Read online

  Her dad looks up. “Need company?”

  He sometimes heads out with Lily on the trails when she’s home, but this morning she’s not feeling it. Besides, it’s time to check in with Tyler – he’ll wonder what she’s up to. Plus, she needs to let him know about the lunch date with Erica.

  “Next time, Dad.” After a long swig of Gatorade Lily heads outside. The weather is warmer in New Jersey, and as she slaps her way onto the quiet, tree-lined street, sweat trickles down her back. It’s nice to sleep late during vacation, but her body grows sluggish, a reaction to the loss of pool time. Already she’s twitchy, filled with energy to burn off.

  It feels good to push her body to the limit, to watch the houses pass by, smell fresh air instead of chlorine. Lily feels an ecstasy of endorphins, the athlete’s natural buzz, as she continues beyond the boundaries of her neighborhood and heads out to the sports park near her house.

  There are softball and soccer games going on. Some of the players laugh, others look grimly determined to play hard. On the sidelines, parents and siblings chat on phones or yell encouragement at the players. One red-faced woman shouts at the coach, and as Lily jogs past she hears, “Put her back in the game, ya frigging asshole! Where the hell d’ya think your damn salary comes from? That’s right – my taxes!”

  Lily speeds up to leave the angry mom behind. Perspiration trickles down her back, but it feels good – swimmers never get to sweat it out in the pool. By the time the soccer players fade in the distance, her crumpled t-shirt marked with the dumb phrase So That Happened! is soaked. Lily shuffles from one foot to the other. She doesn’t want to lose the great momentum she’s built up along the run. When she unlocks her phone, there’s a long line of texts from Tyler.

  Hey girl

  Whassup

  Lily

  Where are u?

  The final one is in capitals.

  ANSWER ME NOW OR WE R DONE.

  Her triumphant burn from the run fades instantly. Lily stops, pushes his contact button, and waits as his phone rings. An electronic voice picks up – Tyler never bothered to personalize his message.

  With a long breath, Lily stretches her left Achilles. Her muscles and skin feel too tight, wound up to the point of snapping, and she feels like she might hurl. Her thumb ring flashes in a stray line of sunlight.

  Hi! I’m here. Just went for a run. Sorry, bby – didn’t mean to ignore you. Just felt so good to get out. Plus slept in with no morning practice, for once, felt really good, so I decided to get out there and hit the pavement for a few miles…

  She stops vomiting words and hits Send.

  The screen stays gray, a crystal ball without a future. Lily knows if she stands there any longer she’ll lose it, so she drinks half her Gatorade bottle and heads back to the soccer fields. The mom who cursed out the coach has disappeared, maybe forced off the field. Lily keeps going, but the earlier ease of movement has disappeared.

  By the time she makes it home she’s completely soaked. Her hair is plastered to her scalp, and her shirt sticks to her. She longs for a shower but first checks for a response.

  Nothing.

  Ty, I am SO sorry, she thumbs onto the screen. Forgive me? I’ll make it better soon, promise.

  Lily adds a winking emoji, hits send, and strips for a shower.

  When she climbs out, there’s a text waiting. Lily’s chest contracts as she opens it, but the message comes from Nolan’s number.

  This is Erica, remember? Still want to meet later? Lunch, maybe sushi? We haven’t talked in forever.

  After a quick reply to accept and set up a time with Erica, Lily wraps up in a towel and heads to her room to get dressed. As she steps into underwear, clips on a faded sports bra, and picks out a shirt, she sneaks several looks at the phone.

  Nothing.

  The bedroom is a whirlwind of discarded clothes and books. What would Yasmin say about the mess? Lily decides to clean up. She figures it’ll make the time pass until Tyler returns her call or texts. Clothes, both dirty and clean, go into the laundry basket since she can’t bother sorting or refolding them.

  Mom peeks around the corner just as Lily puts the final book, Ready Player One, on the shelf. “Hey, you cleaned up!”

  “You don’t have to sound so surprised about it.”

  “No, I…” Mom sniffs and pokes at the laundry basket. “Please tell me you didn’t just throw all the clothes in here. I washed those jeans, you know.”

  “But they were all creased and dusty and stuff. Gross.” Lily’s phone buzzes with an incoming alert, and she decides to use humility as a Get-Mom-Out-of Bedroom strategy so she can read the text. Please, please, please let it be Tyler. “No, you know what? You’re right. I’ll sort them out. Maybe I’ll even iron if I get motivated.”

  Mom’s eyebrows shoot up to her hairline, but she withdraws. Lily pushes the door shut with one socked foot as she checks her phone. It’s a selfie from Staci, eyes crossed and tongue out. Next to her, Haddigan blows out her cheeks and distends her nostrils.

  You guys are a shoe-in for the Senate. Got my vote in ten years. Lily sends her fake-happy, dumb-joke reply. She dumps out the contents of her laundry basket, but she can’t remember what was clean. In the end she piles the clothes back in along with the wet towels from her recent shower and makes a plan to sneak them all into the washing machine when her mother isn’t looking.

  ◆◆◆

  “The whole thing was weird.” Lily scoops up a tuna roll with her chopsticks to dunk it in the wasabi-soy mix. “All these mean texts came from your number, and I couldn’t get through. The last one was the worst. You told me I should die. Called me a bitch, too.”

  Erica looks up from her noodles and reaches for Lily’s hand. “No way. Now you know it wasn’t me. Right? Tell me you never thought I’d send you anything so awful. I’m so sorry you had to read that. You must have felt so alone.”

  Lily moves her chair so she can hug Erica. “Yeah, it was pretty bad. And of course we knew all along it wasn’t you.”

  “We?” Erica sets her chopsticks on her plate, fussing with them until they’re in a perfect 90-degree angle.

  “Tyler and me. I. Tyler and I.”

  “Right, you and Tyler.” Erica takes a drink of water from the bottle in her backpack. Lily waits as her friend digs into the front pocket, pulls out a small container of hand sanitizer, and rubs the stuff into her palms. “So the anonymous douche bag said you should die? That’s just so creepy. Can I see?”

  “Yeah, sure.” Lily pops another spicy tuna into her mouth before swiping the screen. Too late she remembers the anon number was blocked after Tyler’s attempt at protecting her. “Damn it. The texts are gone, except for what I saved in Notes. I forgot Tyler blocked you. Well, not you. Whoever sent the nasty messages. You know, Hater or Waste of Space. We have to come up with a name for this anonymous person.”

  “Creep.” Erica laughs, her sharp cheekbones pushing the purple, shadowed crescents under her eyes. “Let’s just call him Creep.”

  “Or her.”

  “Right, or her.”

  “And you blocked me on your phone,” Lily adds. “Did you realize that?”

  “I did?” Erica frowns. “Nolan already returned it, so we can’t check the history. Guess it doesn’t matter though, since we can communicate through his number for now.”

  Lily stabs Erica’s noodles with her chopstick. “You gonna eat that?” Erica pulls a face, which Lily ignores. Already her body demands more calories, and she slurps down her friend’s leftover noodles. “Any idea who did it? Who sent the texts?”

  “It’s kinda hard to tell, since I never saw them,” Erica replies. “You said they started out by calling you a bitch, right? And it sounds like they escalated from there.”

  Chewing the last of the noodles, Lily looks for a menu. “Green tea ice cream,” she muses. “You ever try it?” Erica shakes her head, and Lily motions to the waitress. “We’re gonna try it.”

  “You and your fo
od.”

  “Don’t even!” Lily knocks her elbow against Erica’s. “Sometimes I can’t believe you’re a swimmer. Food is good. Food is the best.”

  “I can’t…” Erica shakes her head, as though she’s unwilling to finish her thought. “Anyway. Back to the texts. Do you have any ideas?”

  “Honestly, I guess it could be anybody. Second-graders are hacking into companies these days.”

  “Yeah, true. Guess it will stay a mystery.” Erica holds up a thick oblong phone, two evolutionary steps up from a Nokia. “My mom got me this burner thing so we can text. Nolan programmed it to go to his number while we wait for a new account. He says no one ever calls him, so it’s okay.”

  Lily sits back and laughs at her. “Awesome machine, my friend. Wish I had one of those things. Catapults are cool too - plus there’s this nifty invention called the wheel.”

  “Haha.” Erica reaches out and grabs Lily’s hand. “I missed you. God, school sucks so bad without you there. Remember Sonya? She’s even nastier than usual. And Courtney! Oh. My. God.”

  “Really?” Lily’s distracted from the measly dessert menu. “How about Toni? She was such a supreme witch when we were in …Oh. Wait.”

  Tyler’s picture, the one she got of him after Nationals, flashes on her screen. Lily hides a sigh of relief, and she shoots Erica an apologetic glance. “So sorry. I have to take this call.”

  She turns in her seat so Erica won’t overhear. “Hi.” Tyler’s voice is colder than a morning plunge into Prescot pool. “What, I text you ten times this morning, and all night, and all I get are three back from you? Did you meet an old boyfriend in New Jersey or something? Are we done now?” He pauses to draw in a breath. Lily can hear it shudder over the connection, and she opens her mouth to tell him No, he’s the only one in her life. Of course he is.

  Too late. Already he plunges back into his accusation. “Did you fuck him?”

  Although he’s not there, Lily feels her head rock back as though he’s slapped her across the face. She stands up and walks to the alcove where the restrooms lurk in the back. The argument might be worse than she anticipated, and she doesn’t want Erica to overhear. It seems shameful, the way Tyler talks. It’s all her fault, though, since she never should have slept so heavily or worked out before getting back to him.

  “Of course not,” Lily pleads. “Tyler, please don’t. Like I told you, I was out for a run. No swim practice this morning, and I just had to exercise…”

  “Uh huh.” His voice drips with suspicion and distrust.

  She can’t believe the direction the conversation has taken. “Please,” Lily repeats. “I’ve put up with enough from that bad fever and all those hate-texts.”

  “I…” She can almost hear the gears whirling in his brain. “Don’t put this on me. It’s your fault. Okay? I wanted to go to New Jersey with you, but my dad said no. Said we had enough expenses with college right around the corner. And when I move there we won’t see each other, so excuse me for wanting to spend as much time as possible with you now while we have the chance.”

  His voice has become breathy, and Lily feels the sharp flame of anger in her chest recede. “But I feel the same way!” She holds one palm out as though he stood right in front of her. For a moment she can picture it, how his eyes would half-close in characteristic derision. He likes to look down at me, she realizes. “Look, I’m just visiting my family, sneaking in as much practice as I can get. Oh, and reconnecting with Erica.”

  “Erica? The bitch who wrote you those texts? Are you kidding me right now?”

  “But she didn’t write them… look, can I take you out to Tribeck’s when I get back? Tell you the whole story?”

  She hears his sharp inhale. “Maybe.”

  “Maybe?”

  “If you’re good.”

  “Good!” Her heart leaps as his tone slides from anger to desire. “I’m always good.”

  “Is that so? Gonna hold you to your word. And maybe I have a present for you.”

  Lily grins, relief coursing through her heart. “Oh yeah? What is it?”

  “You’ll have to wait until you get back to find out.”

  She says goodbye and clicks off the phone. It’s time to return to Erica.

  At the sushi bar, workers in white shirts and caps slice octopus and salmon with quick, even strokes of their cleavers. Erica spins her stool, watching the fish being sliced. When Lily approaches, she stops herself with one fingertip on the bar. “Well, hello there Miss Thing. Care to tell me his name?”

  The phone goes into her back pocket as Lily tries not to smile. “I don’t know what you mean.

  “Yeah, riiiiight.”

  The hell with it. “His name’s Tyler,” Lily admits.

  “Cute, very cute. So, is this serious? Like a real relationship, not the thing you had with Nolan in first grade? When you wrote each other notes every day?”

  Lily giggles. She’s friends again with Erica, and she and Tyler have made up from the morning weirdness. He got her a gift. Life is good, even if her boyfriend soon has to move to another state for college.

  “Yeah,” she admits. “It’s serious.”

  8

  The days are warm enough in Massachusetts for Prescot’s outdoor pool to open. Lily and Tyler run there after late practice to rinse off the sweat from their dry land workouts. Tyler launches into a loose cannonball, long limbs and graceful muscles pulled towards his body, and plunges under the surface. She can see him curl and twist, a graceful merman. Lily follows down the ladder into the circle of his arms. She floats closer and leans her ear against the broad plain of his chest to hear the drum of his heart. The beat is always slow and strong, even when they’re making out.

  “Those 150 butterflies nearly killed me,” he says into her hair. “Damn. Gotta schedule a PT appointment for my shoulder.”

  Lily trails water over his arm, silver liquid on brown flesh. “You should,” she agrees. “Don’t want to strain your rotator cuff before you hit summer meets and college.”

  “Yeah, just what I said. Are you deaf?” He pulls her close by her waist to nuzzle her neck. Lily hums and treads water lazily next to him. It’s a golden moment, one she wants to hide in a locket or a beautiful little box with a golden key. If only she could keep this memory forever.

  “Where’s your ring?” he asks suddenly. The slim band is the present he hinted at over the phone, a promise ring with their names engraved inside.

  Her finger is empty, naked. Lily surges out of his arms, flies up the ladder, and rushes over to her swim bag. She dumps the contents on the ground and breathes out when the ring Tyler gave her drops to the concrete perilously close to a drain.

  “Don’t lose it. You’re so irresponsible sometimes.” Tyler throws a towel at her and begins to dry off with quick, vigorous strokes.

  The ring safely back on her finger, Lily towels off and pulls on sweats. “Gonna get changed?” she asks.

  He shakes his head. It’s warm enough now to eat on the campus. They can grab a sandwich and find a spot to sit. All the benches will be taken, but Lily doesn’t care. She and Tyler can spread out a towel to eat while she looks over her history homework. If she studies for her Spanish essay test and manages to read a few chapters for American Lit, she won’t have to keep Yasmin awake for too long after light’s out.

  ◆◆◆

  They walk over to the grill for sandwiches, bags of chips, and drinks. He orders soda, and she buys unsweetened iced tea. A few girls say hi to Lily as she settles down on the grass and tries to get comfortable, but it’s hard to ignore the wet stretch of Lycra against her butt. Next time, she promises herself, I’ll change out of my suit before lunch.

  Staci wanders by with two guys Lily doesn’t recognize. Prescot is huge for a New England private boarding school, and she still encounters new people after two semesters. The three of them wave, and Staci tells Lily there’s a dance coming up on the weekend. Message delivered, she heads off with the guys behind her like
a couple of ducklings.

  “I have to go visit Rosemont campus this weekend.” Tyler bites into a meatball sub and stares into the distance.

  Lily’s hardly surprised. With college right around the corner, it’s surprising he’s had time to hang out with her at all. “Looking forward to it?”

  His eyelids sweep down and up in a slow blink like an old-world movie star. “Whatever. I mean, I connected with some of the freshman class, you know? Don’t want to go in like a loser, right? So I’ll have some friends. Oh, and did I tell you Ben’s my roommate?”

  She’s heard about Ben a few times, another swimmer on the Y team back in New Jersey. “Oh yeah? Awesome. So your social life is taken care of already.”

  “’Taken care of?’” Tyler gestures with his sub. “Jealous already?”

  “No! What?” Lily puts down her chicken salad sandwich. Her stomach hurts, and sometimes she still loses her appetite. “I really don’t care who you hang out with in college. You’ve got to meet people, like you said. Besides, I trust you.”

  He snorts but picks up his sub again and takes another huge bite. A few tense moments pass before he mumbles a few words around his food. It sounds like he just said, “You better.”

  Better what? Trust him? Of course she does – she just said it. Why has he turned her statement around and dumped it back in her lap?

  Lily doesn’t know what to do. Swimming is a series of split-second decisions, so she’s used to working in the moment. Should I start my turn? Take a breath? Go for another dolphin kick? In the middle of each lap she analyzes real-time data and reacts instantly.

  If she responds to him in the same tone he just used, the situation will go south. Arguments with Tyler are slippery things, filled with pitfalls she never expects. Somehow she always seems to come off badly. The whole situation back home when she was out running, for example, erupted out of nowhere. Lily still has no idea what she did wrong.

  Since Lily doesn’t know what her mistake is, how can she stop herself from doing it again in the future? Does he want her to be in touch with him 24/7?